PS 3525 
1 .fi2475 

M5 
j 1913 

Copy 1 



"WIREGRASS STORIES." 



MacINTYRE . 



"WIREGRASS STORIES" 



BY 









W. IRWIIsr iVlacINTYK-E 



COPYRIGHTED 1909 BY 
W. IRWIN MacINTYRE 



SECOND EDITION 



TIMES-ENTERPRISE COMPANY PRINT 

THOMASVILLE, OEOROIA 

1913 



PREFACE 

Four years ago five hundred copies of 
"Wire-Grass Stories" were given to the 
pubhc and soon exhausted. 

Upon request, the author revises and 
submits this second edition of the same 
number of copies, to his indulgent readers. 
W. Irwin Maclntyre, 
Thomasville, Ga., 
July, 25th, 1913. 



By transfer 
The White House 
-' 1913 



"WIREGRASS STORIES" 



BY W. IRWIN MacINTYRE. 



HE late Columbus Allen was the subject and author of 
many good stories. He was very old when I knew him, 
but his exact age was the one secret of his bosom. I once 
knew him to get very indignant when he heard that it w^as 
being told that he had said: 

"When I first came to Thomasville, the Ochlocknee river 
was nothing but a little bit of a stream." 

In answer to the question as to who raised him, Uncle Lum 
said. "I wasn't raised, I was caught by the hair and jerked up." 

Uncle Lum was a lo5'al Confederate soldier, although he 
had been opposed to Secession. He used to deny that he had 
said that his one wound in the hand was received when he was 
in the act of cocking a cannon. He also denied the story told 
by the boys, that in the midst of a hot fight, he reached down; 
and, taking a saddle from a dead horse, started for the rear. 

"Where are you going?" said a sergeant. 

"Takin* the General's saddle to him;" was the reply; re- 
peated as often as inquiry was made. 

When "Uncle Lum" got to the rear, he found he was mis- 
taken about the idenity of the saddle, and before he could get 
back to the front, the battle w^as over. 

"Uncle Lum" denied that he had said: 
(x) "Hoke Smith is wrong in opposing watering stock, when it 
is a matter of impossibility to bring stock from Missouri to 
Georgia without w^atering them tw^o or three times." 



X Hoke Smith is Georgia's foremost statesman and has more dogs named for him 
thiin any other man iu public life. No-no children. 



Which reminds me of the case 1 heard in the Thomas 
County Court House; in which the owner of the controlling in- 
terest in a sawmill had been sued for damages done by oxen 
belonging to the man to whom he had leased his property some 
months before. Eleven of the jury immediately came to the o- 
pinion that the Plaintiff had sued the wrong man, and were in 
favor of returning a verdict for the Defendant. 

"Hold on, Boys," said the careful twelfth Juror, "Didn't you 
hear Joe Beverly say he owned the stock in that mill?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, wasn't them oxen the only stock there?" 



Uncle Lum's definition of a Republican was, "A low down 
white man with nigger principles." 

1 asked him his definition of populism. He said it was a 
"premeditated impossibility." 



Mr. James M. Blackshear lives in a District, cut out from 
Thomas, and included in the new county of Grady. He was 
much opposed to the change; not so much on account of health 
conditions, although he made that point; but, because, as he 
said: 

"The people in the new area didn't have sense enough to 
run a county." 

Being opposed to the enterprise, he was inclined to ridicule 
the efforts to organize the new county. I drove up to his house 
just before the first Primary Election, and the following conver- 
sation ensued: 

"Uncle Jim, how you all coming on with the Election?" 
"Wh}', Son, you never saw so many candidates in your life; 
we got thirty-four candidates for Tax Receiver" 
"Are they all qualified to hold the job?" 

? 



"Qyalified? Why, out of that Thirty-four, Twenty-five can't 

count a hundred." 

"Well, that leaves nine good men to choose from." 

"Yes, but the trouble is, eight out of that nine can't go to 

two hundred." 



In describing the great advance of Cairo, his county site, 
Mr. Blackshear said; 

"Cairo improved? Why, Son, ten years ago, I could have 
taken a standing collar and tent to Cairo and by charging a dime 
admission, I could have made a fortune, but now i can hardly 
get to town for the crackers stopping me along the road, saying 
"Oh Mr. Blackshear, take my laundry to town for me, please." 

Mr. Blackshear was very much opposed to the manner of 
working the convicts on the public roads, said he: "I'll certain- 
ly not allow one of those convict camps put near my place, they 
will demoralize all of my hands who wont want to do any 
more work than the convicts." 

Other opponents of the system were criticising the permis- 
sion given convicts to play base ball on Saturday. Mr. Black- 
shear defended the practice on the grounds that everyone 
needed exercise. 

The last time I discussed the convict situation with him, he 
said: "Do you remember old Jeff? They put Jeff on the gang 
for selling licker; the other night he went off; got drunk; came 
back and cussed out the guards. — And what do you suppose 
they did to him?" 

"Beat him about half to death I reckon." 

"No they didn't, they suspended him for three days." 

« * :tC « .-IC )!E 

On one occasion Mr. Blackshear was in a sail-boat with two 
friends on Lake lamonia, several miles over the Florida line. 



An unexpected gale came up, and the boat capsized. Drowning 
seemed certain. Both companions failed to remember any 
prayer. The responsibility was on Jim. "Jim, do your best,' 
they said. He thought a minute, and remembering nothing but 
the blessing his mother used to ask, said. 

"Lord, niakeus thankful for what we are about to receive." 

« « « i» i|r » 

Mr. Blackshear went to school in Thomasville, when a boy. 
He had a great many characteristics, one of w^hich was a strong 
disinclination to make a speech. Commencement day came, and 
Jim had to make a speech or get licked. There was no way 
out. The other little boys had spoken. His name was next on 
the program. "The Seasons" was the subject. Fond parents 
crowded the little chapel. Jim's name was reached. He came 
striding upon the stage, striking the floor with his bare heels so 
the noise could be heard all over the house, and began:— 

"7 he Seasons." 

"There are four seasons: — Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. 
Some like Winter, some like Spring, some like Summer, and 
some like Fall. But as for me: — "Give me liberty or give me 
death." 

And down he came; bump-de-bump-de-bump. 

On another occasion the teacher required Jim to write a com- 
position. He chose "Rats" for his subject, and his composition 
ran something like this: 

"Rats" 

"Rats is very pestiferous little critters. They has a long tail, 
'less some cat have bit his tail off. They eats most everything. 
They even steal syrup. They gnaws the cork out with their 
teeth, then the.y run their tail down in the bottle, and sucks the 
syrup off. Then they repeats. That's all I knov/ about rats." 

« « * « « 4! 

Mr Blackshear is about the quickest man to size up a hum- 
orous situation I ever saw. One day I was standing beside him 

4 



on the public road, when a colored man came by with a shack- 
ly old wagon and two mules, poor enough to drop and old 
enough to vote. The wagon body contained three 200 pound 
sacks of guano. 

"Hey Squire," inquired Mr. Blackshear, "What you going to 
do with all of that fertilizer?" 

"I am going to put it under my crap" was the reply. 

"O" said Mr. Blackshear "I thought you were going to use 
it for perfumery purposes." 



Mr Blackshear had a dear lady friend from Thomasville 
who was very much interested in evangelical work among 
the colored. Upon a visit to Mr. Blackshear's they both saw a 
prospect drawing water from a well. Upon advancing, the 
would be missionary said "Frazier do you know Jesus?' 

"Well not perzactly, but I've heard tell of him." 

"Has Mr. Blackshear told you of him?" 

"No'am, I don't think he know him." 

"Do you know he died for you?" 

"No'am, is he dead? I didn't know he was sick" was the 
reply. 



A Paper filed in the office of Judge W. H. Bibb, J. P., had 
failed to have an entry at the proper time, through no fault of 
the Plaintiff. I arose on the first day of Court, and requested a 
rule: — Nunc pro tunc", to correct the error in plaintiff's behalf . 

"Look here" said the court; "I've been J. P. Thirty-five 
years; have never been reversed by the Superior Court but twice 
and both those times the Supreme Court sustained me; never 
have issued no Tunc or Tine orders, and don't propose to do it 
now; but I'll change the date of that entry." 



The people in these parts don't exactly know what "Alibi" 
means, but they know when proven it always gets the Defendant 
out of trouble. Judge Bibb was holding Court and a farmer 
came in, sat on the floor in the rear of the room, leaned against 
the wall, and began smoking his stone pipe. Col. Arthur Patten 
called the Court's attention to the offender. 

"Come to the Bar of Justice," addressed the Court to the 
smoker. 

"Do you mean any disrespect, Sir; by smoking in this august 
presence?" 

"N0--N0--N0— Sir; Jedge;" the offender was saying, shaking 
from head to foot, when Col. Patten whispered something in his 
ear. 

"Jedge, I pleads Alibi;" he said to the Court, following the 
suggestion. Judge Bibb looked very solemnly over his glasses, 
and replied; — 

"Take your seat, Sir; that's all that saved you." 
****** 

"Now" said Col. Patten one day in the trial of a case. "I am 
going to do something which is like shaking a red flag in a bull's 
race; I am going to read your Honor some law." 

"Col Patten, if you ever say that again. Sir; I'll disbar 
you," said Judge Bibb. 

On another occasion Col. Patten said to the court: 

"Your honor should not expect to understand the intricate 
points of the law as well as we lawyers, who make it a life 
work." 

*'Mr, Patten, if you say that again. Sir; the court will fine 
you Ten Dollars," replied the Judge. 



Judge Bibb once had a cow to eat some of Dr. R s 

vegetables. The argument which followed re.sulted in a chal- 

6 



lenge from Dr. to the Judge, the same being immediately ac- 
cepted. Both chose seconds and the Judge gave the Dr. choice 
of naming weapons or distance. The Dr. said shot guns loaded 
with buckshot. 

The judge said he would announce the distance in plenty 
of time. The Dr. made his will and was visibly nervous. The 
Judge was as usual composed. The date for the duel approached. 
The doctor could neither eat nor sleep. Two days before the 
fight he demanded to know the distance. The Judge said "Dr. 
you will stand in Tallahassee and i in Thomasville." They 
were friends ever after. 



Honorable Theo. Titus had gotten Judgement in the Boston 
Justice Court. Several days later he saw the constable in 
Thomasville. 

"Look here, have you made that levy yet?" 

' Yes, Sir." 

"On what?" 

"Two head of geese and a patch of onions, Sir," replied the 
officer, conscious of a duty well done. 

****** 

Among Attorney Titus' first efforts, was a case in a Country 
Justice Court. Mr. Titus was closing for the plantiff, and was 
making an eloquent but long drawn out argument. The Court 
became very impatient. Finally a cloud came up, and a clap of 
thunder almost shook the house. 

"Look here, Col. Titus," said the court. "When you git 
through with your speech you'll find my judgment right under this 
book. The Court is got to set out some taters before the rain." 

****** 

Joe Calloway has been Janitor at the Court House for many 
years. His legal associations are evidenced by the names of his 

7 



two youngest children: "Petit Larency" and "Incorporeal 
Hereditament," who is called "Dit" for short. 



*•«**« 



One of his colored brethren once asked Joe for a drink of 
ice water: Joe directed him to the bucket on the table:-- 

Look here, Joe, this aint no ice water' this water is warm." 

"Yes dat is ice water, Nigger; you don't know ice water." 

"No, Joe, there aint no ice in that water." 

"Yes, there is." 

"No, there aint." 

"Yes ,there is. I tell you hit just aint cold enough to friz it 
out; you let the water turn cold, and you'll see there is just as 
much ice in that water as in any water." 

m * * * * * 

I was employed by a colored preacher to defend his son, 
who had misappropriated a pair of trousers, and would have 
doubtless been successful, had not the little rascal had them on 
at the time of the trial. This parson had evidently belonged to 
an Orator before the w^ar, for he possessed a vocabulary of many 
nouns, numerous verbs and innumerable adjectives. He did 
not try to "Hide his learning under a bushel." Captain Doss 
and I were waiting for Court to convene: my client was to my 
right. Joe Calloway came in with a bucket of water, and set it 
on the radiator, which, at that time, stood in the center of the 
room, and was used for a table in summer. It had been a pretty 
distressing time for those interested in the colored race; the 
burning at Statesboro had occurred only a few days before. 
The Parson's son was here to be tried for a disgraceful act. Joe 
evidently was, and had a right to be, in a meditative mood. But 
the Reverend Gentleman, conscious of superior learning here be- 
low^ and a superior seat hereafter above, was in a talkative mood. 
As the water bucket went on the radiator he remarked. — 

"Mr. Calloway, hab you observed dat universal prosperity 

8 



am generly preceded by diligent and consecrated application?" 
Joe looked at the parson, scratched his head; and fully con- 
scious of the seriousness of the question, replied; — 

"Yah, I is; and dat's how come so many niggers in Hell 
now." 



• « • • • 



Reverend Carter Johnson of Thomasville, is the smartest 
full-blood African I have ever known. His book learning is 
very limited, having been brought up a slave, but he makes up 
for this defect in originality. 

The first year after the War, Carter taught school on the Old 
Jones* plantation. I could tell many interesting things about 
this school; I have in mind one in particular. You remember 
the whole world at this time was imbibed with the spirit of re- 
form; Carter was no exception to the rule. He called all the 
children together, and reminded them of the blessings of Eman- 
cipation. He spoke of the iniquity of slavery; and "Now," 
says he in dramatical tones, "We must get rid of that great 
sister of iniquity. Corporal Punishment; so hereafter, if any of 
you children, misbehave, I am not going to whip you, but will 
take your lunch away instead." 

Everything was going well. Carter had blazed the way for 
the Abolition of Corporal Punishment; which reform has not yet 
completed its sweep over the South; and was growing fat on the 
luscious lunches, which came from the kitchens of the well-to-do 
whites. However, this happy state of affairs was not to con- 
tinue. Carter soon found that Annie, daughter of my maternal 
grandmother's cook, Marianne, always had a good lunch. So it 
was impossible for Annie to go to Recess without having lapsed 
into such a breach of discipline as necessitated the forfeiture of 
her lunch. This lasted until Aunt Marianne got fully wrought 
up, when she w^ent dow^n to the school house with a broom han- 
dle and revolutionized Carter's ideas about Corporal Punishment 
Here ended the embryo of a great humanitarian reform. 

9 



When, some years after, the Liquor Issue arose. Carter found 
employment in delivering the Colored vote on the side of liquor. 
A great Local Option Election ^vas pending in Madison County, 
Florida. Carter v/as sent for to oppose the Colored preachers 
who favored Prohibition. A speaking w^as arranged for the Col- 
ored voters. The platform w^as full of preachers, of whom Car- 
ter was the only one on the wet side Carter addressed the as- 
sembled multitude; saying he could prove water had killed more 
people than liquor; that if he could not, he would retire fron"k the 
fight; on the other hand, if he did, he wanted his brethren to re- 
tire. He said that if they accepted his challenge, he would ask 
that as there was only one of him and several of them, that he 
be permitted to speak last. 7 he Prohibition speakers agreed, 
and one after another read unabridged statistics as to the number 
of criminals, lunatics and corpses, whiskey had made. Carter 
waited patiently. When they were all done, he arose calmly 
and asked the audience if they believed in the Bible. Of course 
they did. He then read the chapter about the "Flood," and 
there arose such a cheer and applause from the wet cohorts, 
that before the enthusiasm could be checked, the vs^ets had 
swept the deck. 

The County afterwards went Dry but in justice to Carter, 
will say, he was not in the fight. 1 forgot to say that for Car- 
ter's success he was given a shot-gun, appropriately inscribed, 
which he promptly pawned to a friend of mine. 



I once walkeci out of the Court House and met Carter, in an- 
swer to the customary greeting. Carter said he was sick of heart; 
sick of heart. 

"What is the matter?" 

"I have been working to uplift my race ever since the War, 
and I come up here and find twenty Niggers indicted, and not a 
white man. I feel discouraged. It looks like crime is getting 
no less among my people. I feel like giving up." 

10 



The next term of Court I met Carter in approximately the 
same place, and in answer to my greeting, he said: — 

"I am mad; confoundedly m.ad; some of these infernal Nig- 
gers have been up here lying on me, and have gone and gotten 
me indicted." 

"What for?" 

"Larceny." He was convicted but not subdued. 



Several years ago Carter preached a sermon in Albany, and 
w^as so unfortunate in choosing his text, that he had to walk 
home that night. He preached on: — 

"Soap and Water, and the use thereof." 



Carter was a great believer in the scriptures for political 
effect. It is said that when he was working in the interest of 
the Democrats, he showed where Christ, himself, classed the 
"Publicans" and sinners together. 



Everybody knew the late Capt. W. M. Hammond of Thom- 
asville. President McKinley once complained of being put to a 
disadvantage by being introduced by this brilliant son of the 
South. I now have in mind two illustrations of Hammond's 
v^it and repartee: — 

An important murder trial was in progress in one of our 
Western counties. First counsel for the defense had made a 
very eloquent plea for the defendant on account of his feeble phy- 
sical condition; his rheumatism, paralysis, gout, et cetra. Coun- 
sel for the prosecution had stated to the jury that instead of all 
these infirmities, provoking mercy, they should make the jury 
more determined to find a verdict of guilty, so as to put the de- 
fendant out of his misery. Counsel depreciated the fact that the 
crime could not be punished as deserved, and was sorry some- 



thing more than a worthless Ufe could not be taken for so hein- 
ous an offense; nevertheless, such was the case, and the vindica- 
tion of the law would really be of benefit to the defendant. 

Captain Hammond concluded for the defense, and began 
with these words: — 

"I am prepared, Gentlemen of the Jury, to agree with oppos- 
ing counsel that hanging may be a sure cure for rheumatism, 
gout, etc., but I think that the learned and distinguished gen- 
tlemen, representing the state, will admitt that it has its disad- 
vantages." 



Back in the times of the Farmers' Alliance, Ocala Platform 
and other so called heresies that were exasperating the old line 
Democrats of the South, Capt. Hammond was addressing a con- 
vention of Democrats at Albany, Ga. 

"But" came a voice from the crowd, directed to the speaker. 
Don't you think a man can be an Allianceman, a Free-Silver- 
ite, and a good Democrat?" 

The speaker hesitated a moment, as the crowd stood breath- 
lessly, and looking directly toward the enquirer, said; 
"All things are possible with God." 
He was not again interrupted. 



Nathan and Herman Levy were Thomasville merchants, and 
Bill Jones a good cash and barter, but not credit customer, who 
farmed eight miles out. A former clerk tells the story. 

Jones would exchange butter, chickens, cow hides and eggs, 
to the Levy's for calico, cheese and canned goods, the merchants 
always bearing in mind, that their customer would rather owe 
you all his life, than swindle you out of a cent. Everything 
went well, until Herman, in a moment of weakness, loaned Bill 
two dollars, who next Saturday was seen in front of their com- 

12 



petitor, Issac's, bartering farm products for bargains. This put 
"Wheels in Nathan's head," who, rushing to the books, ex- 
claimed: — 

"Look here, Herman, you fool; vhat's dis I see? Bill Jones, 
vhati Bill Jones two dollars! Don't you know you vas drive 
avay our best customer; 1 vus dissolve wid you; I vus ashamed 
you vas my brudder." 

"Vait, vait," replied Herman, "Don't talk so much vid your 
mouth, till you know vhat you talks about," 

"Veil, didn't you do it?" 

"Yes, 1 vus do it, but den I vus fix it." 

"Yes, you vas play hell fix it: I vant to see you fix it, look 
tow^ard Isaac's, and see hov/ you vas already done fix it.' 

The next Saturday, Jones was again at Isaac's, and Nathan 
had another fit of all-overs, calling Herman, he said: — 

"Who dat you see at Isaac's? vy don't you vix it?" 

"I goes right now," said Herman, getting his cane, and 
walking by Isaac's as if to the postoffice. Getting opposite 
Jones, he wheels suddenly, and looking up, says; — 

"Howdy do, Mr. Jones, how vu8 your wife and garden. 1 
am so glod to see you. You haven't been around lately. By 
de vay; in looking over our books, I find we vas owe you two 
dollars, now^ dis is a very small sum, but ve likes to get our 
business straight. Will you kindly drop by and get detwo dollars 
before you leaves town?" 

Jones, thinking for once that he was about to catch a Jew 
napping, got the two dollars, and Herman promptly charged 
himself with four dollars. Jones* trade was retained, and they 
lived happy ever after. 



«««*** 



Old Uncle Henry McLendon, used to be one of Thomas 
County's noted characters. He had firm but unique ideas, and 
expressed himself in crude but forcible language. 

13 



A certain transient Evangelist, who dispensed salvation free 
and sold insect powders for a consideration, stopped at Uncle 
Henry's house, and, incidentally, got a check endorsed. Uncle 
Henry, some weeks after, paid the check, and some months 
after, got his former friend's address. 

"Well, Uncle Henry," said one of the boys about town, 
"Did you ever get that money?" 

"No, but 1 writ him a letter." 

"What did you say?" 

"I writ him fourteen pages." 

'"Yes, but what did you say?" 

"1 started off by saying you goldurned, canker-yeared, man- 
gy, flea-bitten, pusilanimous, ghost-running, scavenger-practising, 
carrion-eating hound, you; and the further 1 went the worser 
I got." 

Uncle Henry was somewhat of a philosopher. He was 
once upbraided for cutting timber so near his house. 

*"Oh, well," said he, "Let them what live the longest tote 
wood and water the furthercjjt." 



Uncle Henry was attending a farmers* meeting in Thomas- 
ville. The speaker was explaining how to plant cotton late and 
save a hoeing. Uncle Henry listened patiently. Finally, he 
could stand it no longer. 

"Look here. Brother," said he; "There is more saved than 
that. If 1 plant and tend cotton according to your scheme, 1*11 
save a pickin' too." 



Uncle Henry had been having trouble in trading with his 
colored tenants. A certain tenant had been exceedingly ex- 
travagant in his demands for another year. 

14 



"Look here, Nigger," said Uncle Henry; "I gorra, I will 
trade with you for the fodder, and I'll pull it myself." 



More good stories are told on Major Stegall, deceased, than 
any other man who ever lived in Thomas County. He was once 
Sheriff, and alw^ays enjoyed the esteem of the community, not- 
withstanding many eccentricities. It is said that they once got 
the Major on the witness stand during the investigation of a 
poker game, and he testified as follows: — 

''Major, what were the boys playing for?" asked the solicitor. 

"For fun." 

"Didn't they have chips?" 
Yes. oir. 

"Were the chips worth money?" 

"Yes, Sir." 

"Then why do you say they were playing for fun?" 

"Well, you see, them what got the moist chips had the moist 
fun." 

4> * « « « « 

Major was a witness in the investigation of a fight, and tes- 
tified as follows; — 

"Was the defendant angry?" asked the Solicitor. 
"No, Sir." 
"Was he mad?" 
"No. Sir." 

"Was he in his normal state of mind?" 
"No, Sir." 

"Well, Sir, what was his mental condition?" 
"Well, Sir, he was the least bit savagerous, Sir." 

15 



Major once tried to walk across the bottom of Mitchell's 
pond with a pot over his head. Everybody w^as out to witness 
the stunt. He got along fine until he stepped in a hole. Up 
came the bubbles, and then came Major. He was sloshing, 
swearing and explaining, when the owner of the pot asked for 
hia property. 

Go to " said Major, "I am no pot insurer." 



The Major was a great fisherman, He was out at the river 
with the boys one day, and left his line to go back to the 
wagon. The boys tied his umbrella to the line, and yelled to 
the Major that he had a bite. 

"Don't you touch it, Don't you touch it." he yelled: "I 
want to pull him out myself." 

He got hold of the pole, and pulled and pulled, and swore 
at what a big one it was. The boys offered to help him, and 
told him they believed he had a cooter. 

"You're a liar. Sir, I'm only afeared the pole'U break. 
It's the biggest fish in the river, I'm just playing him to tire 
him out." 

The boys left before the haul. 



Major and Judge H. W, Hopkins w^ere once arguing as to 
whether or not the "bull bat" and whippoorwill were the same 
bird when Major clinched and cinched by saying, "You are a 
fool, I've seen a bull-bat a w^hippowilling a many a time." 



Major Remer Young died in Thomas County, Georgia in 
1859, and in his w^ill endowed Young's Female College, v^hich 
may now be seen in Thomasville. In early life he was married, 
and later he was divorced by a special act of the Georgia 
Legislature, the courts having no authority to grant divorces at 

16 



that time. Honorable A. T. Maclntyre, deceased, told me that 
he was traveUng from New York to Thomasville with Major 
Young on one occasion, and that a passenger on the stage rode 
some two hundred miles out of his way to hear the Major tell 
this story: — 

A pretty young widow lived in a Georgia town; and among 
her more successful admirers, were a certain M. D. and our 
friend. The Doctor who, according to Major, had inherited 
the degree from his deceased wife's first husband was annoying 
the gentleman with the military title no little; and after various 
and positive assurances from those in a position to know, that 
the medical man was a coward, the Major challenged him to 
fight a duel, an occurance not uncommon, but somewhat dan- 
gerous in these parts at that time. 

Major Young had never fought a duel, in fact, if the truth 
must be known, he didn't want to fight a duel, go up in a bal- 
loon, or chase the Indians; being satisfied to enjoy his ample 
fortune, and if possible, marry the widow. He had taken the 
extreme step reluctantly, after due consideration by himself and 
friends, and expected no results save the diminution of the local 
Medical Practitioners by one, and his eventual winning of the 
widow. 

Dr. Strong was much disturbed by the challenge, but none 
of his family having failed to fight when honor demanded, he 
pulled his nerves together, and suggesting horse pistols as the 
w^eapons, asked the Major to name the date. 

Upon receipt of the answer, there was another meeting of 
the challenger's friends, and some explanations were not at all 
satisfactory to the Major, who cursed his friend's blunder and 
bemoaned his fate. The die was now cast. There was no re- 
treat; one or the other must be disgraced or die, and the Major's 
brave friends would never hear of its being him. The time and 
place were appointed, and a list of the seconds sent the doctor. 

Major Young and his seconds now suspended business and 
went to the woods every day to commune with nature and prac- 

17 



tice the challenger in marksmanship. A bu'let was suspended 
from a limb by a thread, and the object was to cut the thread, 
first, at a few paces, and then more as the apprentice improved. 
Of course no one was supposed to be present at the exhibitions 
of marksmanship except our brave challenger and his trusted 
friends. 

It soon began to be narrated around that the Major could cut 
the thread the first shot, at ten, then tv/enty, then thirty paces, 
and so on, but the modest Major blushed when he was congratu- 
lated in a crowd by his many friends. Time passed slowly. 
The duelers looked well, and a few bets were bsing placed on 
the final outcome. Little was heard from the Doctor, and the 
Major seemed reconciled to his fate, whatever it might be. 

On the morning before the date of the duel, the challenger 
was walking slowly toward the livery stable to meet his friends 
and have his last practice. A voice ahead, addressing our friend 
by his military cognoinen, startled him. 

"What?" said he. 

"Yes, he has lit a rag." came the reply from the crowd. 

"He left on this morning's stage." 

"The Doctor gone?" 

"On the last stage." came the assurance. 

"Well." said the Major, breathing a sigh of relief, "He was 
just in time, my trunk is packed, and if he had waited until to- 
morrow, we both w^ould have been o" tht same stage. Boys 
the treats are on me." 



««««** 



It is as natural for a small boy to rob a bird's nest, as it is 
for a small dog to chase a cat. Abbott Turner and Jim Reid, of 
Thomasville, went out to stay all night with little Guyton Mc- 
Lendon. They looked for bird eggs all the afternoon. Their 
most valuable find was some buzzard eggs of w^hich they v^ere 
very proud. They left them on the shelf on the back porch 

18 



when they washed for supper. They slept that night as only 
small boys can. The next morning after breakfast, Mrs. McLen- 
don heard a big racket in the kitchen, and found the boys in a 
very serious altercation with the cook, w^ho had put the buzzard 
eggs in the waffles which the family had eaten for breakfast. 
Both the cook and Mrs. McLendon depreciated the occurrance, 
but that didn't return the boj^'s egg?. Now they are more care- 
ful with buzzard eggs. 



I drove up to a house in the country, and heard the father of 
the family f railing the very life out of "Ludden and Bates." his 
young son. Said I: — 

"John, how did you happen to name that boy after the Sava- 
annah music house. " 

"Well " he said, "I'll tell you. When that boy coine, us wuz 
all mighty proud. You know all our chilluns was gals, and 
I d low every time, if I could only git a plow^ hand. So when 
des here chile come, we was inighty perplexed to give him a pro- 
priate name. I wanted to name him Savannah, Florida & West- 
ern Railroad Company, but the ole lady said the boys would sho 
call him S F. & W., fer short, and she thought that wuz a hor- 
rid name, so us just compermized and called him "Ludden & 
Bates," and 1 v/uz lickin' him 'cause he wouldn't work." 



I attended a Colored Church, several miles from town. The 
parson, after exhorting for quite a w^hile upon the text: — "Mar_ 
ble (Marvel) not," and pointing out how all the young white 
boys, and young niggers, were going right to hell, fer pia5Mng er 
marbles in de front yard, behind de kitchen, in de streets, and on 
de sidewalk, when the holy word said: "Marble not;" announ- 
ced that they would have the Treasurer's report right alter the 
service. 

"Now, Bretheren and Sisters." said the Treasurer, "It gives 

19 



me great pleasure to announce, that the treasury have in hand, 
seven dollars and thirty- five cents." 

"I moves," said a brother, "Dat de Treasurer count out de 
money on de barrel head, and let us all look at it." 

The Treasurer was forced to oppose the motion, and tried to 
explain how he had the money, but didn't have it with him, how 
he had it, and how he didn't have, as the author of the motion 
expressed it. The motion prevailed, however, and somew^hat of 
a disturbance followed. The matter was finally settled by Brer 
Williams keeping the Treasurer's blind horse until he could 
show up the money. Upon promising not to again be so derelict 
in his duty, the Treasurer was retained in his office, and every- 
one satisfied. 



Mr. W. C. Snodgrass and I were trying to map out a course 
for a railroad to St. Joseph's Bay. We were in Liberty or Cal- 
houn County Florida, with a team and driver. Night overtook 
us it always does, if you don't move on. Our driver had re- 
marked earlier in the day, that he was fully conversant with the 
stars, and could drive as well at night as in the day. There- 
fore, when we were refused lodging, and told to drive on to the 
next neigbor's, some seven miles, we didn't feel that there was 
any danger of Pete not getting us there. We drove along lei- 
surely, talking, smoking and joking, until all of a sudden we 
found we were not even in a road. We stopped the wagon and 
left Pete with the horses, while Mr. Snodgrass and I, one on one 
side, and the other on the other, undertook to find the road. 
The road had evidently been moved, because w^e w^ould have 
sworn we were in it a minute before. 

"Look here, Pete." said Mr. Snodgrass, "How about those 
stars? Tell me which way is north?" 

Pete looked all around, and said he could, if he could only 
find the north star, but he couldn't find it. 

"Pete how about your knowing all about the stars, thought 

20 



you couldn't get lost at night any quicker than in the day?" 

"Well. Sir, I never did claim to know anything about these 
Florida stars, but 1*11 tell you, you couldn't lose me in Georgia." 

We gave Pete the north star to follow, and both dozed off. 
Presently Snodgrass snored so loudly he awakened Pete who 
found he had lost his star. 

"Wake up, wake up, Mr. Snodgrass" said Pete, "You'll have 
to give me another star, us done passed that un." 

We wandered about almost in despair, relieving the stress 
occasionally by lauguing at Pete. At last we heard someone 
whistling. We hailed and got an answer. Upon coming up to 
the stranger, we found him on horseback, and in a dim road. 
He saluted pleasantly, and said he had a brother-in-law, who 
used to live in Thomasville. Mr. Snodgrass and 1, taking ad- 
vantage of the information, both knew his brother-in-law well, 
belonging to the same church and lodge with him, and asked to 
be remembered to him. We were now chummy enough with 
our new^ly made friend, w^ho told us he w^ould ask us home with 
him, if he did not live so far, and suggested that we go to old 
man Chester's, who only lived eight miles from where we were 
then, and was the nearest resident; We thought it a good idea, 
as we were a w^ay off our bearing, and couldn't make our friend 
even understand where we had intended going, when we got 
lost. Our new partner undertook to tell us how to go to Mr. 
Chester's; saying we couldn't get lost, just keep the straight 
forward road, etc., but we were not in a humor to take any 
chances. We hired him to pilot us up to Mr. Chester's, and 
point out the house. On the way Mr. Snodgrass told me about 
a fellow being down there somewhere, and, riding along with a 
native, asked about the country, when the native said: — 

"It was a mighty fine country, a country where everybody 
attended to their own business," and gave us an illustration that 
two men had been killed "Twixt here and that last branch, and 
never a word said about it yet." 

21 



Of course, this illustration made the negro, Pete, feel perfect- 
ly at ease, and we followed our pilot w^ith absolute confidence. 
After so long a time we got to Mr. Chester's. He had a great 
big house with three rooms, and volunteered to let us stay for 
the night, saying it was ten miles to the next house. Mr. Snod- 
grass and I went in, and were enjoying that great poor man's 
blessing in the south: — "A Lightwood Knot Fire," when Mr. 
Chester came in to bring us water. I thought it was up to me 
to say something pleasant to show my appreciation of his hos- 
pitality, so 1 said: — 

"Mr. Chester, this is a mighty fine country 3'^ou have down 
here?" 

Mr. Chester looked at me, and I looked at Mr. Snodgrass, 
then Mr. Chester put down the water, stretched himself, and 
said: — 

"Well, hit used to be, but hits gittin' too full of folks now 
to suit me, so I reckon I'll have to go further South." 

Mr. Snodgrass said it was bad to be crowded, and w^e all 
depreciated the congestion the v/orld w^as coming to. Next 
morning Mr. Chester directed us to the next neighbor's. 

At Bristol, Pete w^as asked whom he v/as with, and when he 
replied; "Messers Maclntyre and Snodgrass, " he came pretty 
near getting lynched for insolence before he could explain that 
such was really their names. Pete says he don't want to go to 
Florida any more. 



Mr. Stevens was a well to do citizen of Thomasville, it being 
known that he was easily solvent, he had many calls. Further- 
more, he wasn't careless about monej' matters, anyway. His 
young friend, Jesse, had come to town, and been elected consta- 
ble. Having had business transactions with Mr. Stevens, he 
looked him up, and asked him to go on the bond, which all 
constables had to give. 

22 



"Ah," said the oW man: "}er,^e, my boy, I'd be the gladdest 
in the world to ^accomodate you, but you know I can't write." 

Jesse vv'as very much dissapointed that his old friend should 
have gone back on him, but he finally succeeded in making the 
bond as required. Several years after Mr. Stevens decided he 
would like to go to the legislature. Remembering his early 
friendship with Jesse, he looked him up and said: — 

"Jesse, my boy, I have been urged by many friends to run 
for the legislature, and having great confidence in your judge- 
ment, and knowing you have mj' interest at heart, i want your 
advice. ' 

"Well," said Jesse: "I have known you a long time, and, 
ordinarily, would be glad to see j'ou have any honor to which 
you might aspire, but, do you know, Mr. Stevens, I think it 
would be a .sin, a shame and disgrace for Thomas County to 
send a man to the legislature who couldn't write. 

Mr. Stevens didn't run. 



»*««** 



I wjis pursuing the practice of law in 1 homasville. I got an 
account against a merchant in a near-by town. I was not afraid 
about the account, as the merchant, Mx". X. I'll call him, seem- 
ed to have a good business and acting in good faith. Consider- 
able correspondence had passed, and my clients were getting a 
little impatient. About this time I heard Mr. X, had gone into 
the newspaper business. I took my pen in hand, and wrote Mr, 
X. that my clients had instructed to proceed, that I intended 
bringing suit, and, that I thought it inexcusable for him to start 
out in the newspaper business without fulfilling his obligations 
to his creditors. I got a replj'^ about as follows: — 

Dear Sir: — 

I note the company has instructed you to proceed, that is 
all right, it is their business, and I don't feel hard at them, I 
note you intend suing me, that's all right, that's your business, 

23 



and I don't feel hard at you. But what I want to know, and 
what I think I have a right to know, and what I think you 
ought to tell me, is: — 

"Who in the hell is that white-livered, lying, libelous, rep- 
utation ruining scoundrel that told you I was going into the 
new^spaper business? 



Everyone who dies satisfied, has, at some time, tried his 
hand at farming, chickening, egging, buttering, etc. I have al- 
ready had mine, I tried it, I am wiser now. 

But what I started out to tell about is my Angora goats, I had 
read and re-read a lot about goats, goats, big, little and indiffer- 
ent. 1 had goats on the brain. I bought some. They were 
Angoras, and I could figure out so much profit on them, that I 
thought the currency would have to be increased to supply my 
demands. They w^ere a curiosity to the neighbors. The colored 
people would come by on their way to church, and stop, and 
look, and wonder. Brother Williams would say: — 

"Look there, Brethern, at them sheep." And brother 
Johnson would say: — 

Ur-er, Brer Williams, them aint sheep, them's goats, don't 
you see them horns?" And brother Jackson would say: — 

"Yes, dey is sheep, who ever heard er goats lookin* lak dat." 

Just about that time an old ram would jump up on a stump, 
and with a half sneeze and half blow, w^ould give the character- 
istic: — "Put, Put," and the brethen would remark in unison: — 

"Ur-er, them's goats, they goats." 

The goats were a nuisance about jumping, and I was very 
anxious to get a remedy. A fellow wrote me that if I would re- 
mit, he would tell me how to keep the goats from jumping a 
fence. Now, I had heard of the "Guarantee Cure for Texas 
Bugs," which came in the shape of two little blocks, with in- 
struction to place bug on "A," and str'ke hard with "B," and 
if there was no fatality, to write immediately, I had also heard 
of the old sell of teaching the horse to spit to stop slobbering, 

24 



but I couldn't foresee any sell in stopping goats from jumping. 
The remedy was: 

"Put a plank on either side of the fence, and the goats would 
walk over." 

I presume it w^as old, but I had never heard it. 

About this time, I was on a train coming home from Savan- 
nah. A rather illiterate farmer got on, and sat beside me. 
After the usual preliminaries, we exchanged names, and he re- 
marked: — 

"Maclntyre, well, I've heard of you," my chest began to 
swell with pardonable pride that my reputation as a lawyer was 
spreading so far from home, and wa? about to offer treats, when 
my friend continued: — 

"And, by the way, how is them goats gittin' along?" 

I afterwards gave away the goats to two of my friends, 1 
now have no goats, and two less friends. 



Ernest Ballard and Gene Wiggins were in the primary de- 
partment of the South Georgia College. Wiggins had been 
misbehaving, and Miss Barnes, his teacher, had sent him down 
to the office of principal Lynes, with a note: — "To severely pun- 
ish Gene Wiggins, the bearer, who had been guilty of gross mis- 
behavior." 

Gene started down, and met Ernest coming up. Knowing 
full well what was in the note, he requested his friend to please 
hand it to Col. Lynes, while he bought a loaf of bread from the 
bread wagon. Earnest was a very accomodating little boy» 
so he took the note in, and was given a seat while the 
Colonel prepared some of thoae long, keen, elastic switches, 
such as never grow^ except when one is a little boy. Ernest 
soon caught on, in fact, the experience made a striking impres- 
sion upon him. He is grown now, but will hardly mail a letter 
for a friend. 

25 



Apendix Mason, is a colored Hardshell Baptist preacher, 
working for Mr. T. P. Jones during the week, and preaching in 
a little church, which he built himself and fully owns, on Sun- 
day. I wish here to say that I believe Ap. to be a good faithful 
negro, and that his shortcomings, which I here relate, are errors 
of his head and his confused standard of morals. 

As I said, Ap. owns his own church and gets all his collec- 
tions. He is especially in evidence at a funeral, enjoying nothing 
more. Last year he and the other negroes had the biggest time 
since the war, having two funerals in one week. Ap. thinks 
nothing so sinful as whistling a reel, and, due to his influence, 
this diabolical sin is disappearing on the plantation w^here he 
works. Ap. used to be a tenant of mine. When he was with 
me, he had hard luck in getting, as he said, "Healthy Mules," 
for his mule would die every year as a result of starvation and 
mistreatment. Ap. didn't leave my place voluntarily, nor did I 
run him off, the sheriff took him. Ap. had mortgaged some live 
stock, which he didn't own, to Mr. C. T. Gandy, for a horse. 
The horse as usual, died, and Mr. Gandy proceeded against the 
security, and found Ap. had made false pretenses. Ap. explain- 
ed to the court, but, nevertheless, was given twelve months. 
He has never gotten well off enough again to rent land, that's 
why he is working for wages. When Ap. escaped, or, rather, 
worked out his legal entanglements, I greeted him one day, and 
in reply to my salutation, he said: — 

'Yes Sir, Mr. Mac, the white folks treats the niggers 
mighty mean sometime, but, let me tell you, they can take the 
poor nigger and cuse him er stealin", and have a passale er other 
niggers tell lies on him, an put him in the gang, but, thank God, 
there is one thing they can't get, they can't get de poor nig- 
gers 'ligon, when he gits dat, he is got something neither white 
folks nor niggers can ever git away from him. Yes, Sir, I'm 
gwine ter have a revival next week, Sir." 

26 



Dr. Ainsworth came by for me in his auto, to go out and see 
the prize fight. It was to take place at Bob Mitchell's, a resort 
for colored people on the outskirts of Thomasville, on the order 
of a miniature "Coney Island." There is no such place of am- 
usement here for white people, as not enough of them can afford 
to waste their money, but the colored man never has to spend 
more than a third of his money for necessities in the South, so 
has a plenty left for the dance hall, the lemonade barrel, the 
mullet stand and the blind tiger resorts. 

We found several cars of white people when we got there, 
and enough negroes to have taxed the capacity of a counting 
machine. Upon our arrival we were sold tickets and escorted 
to the "white folks reserved seats," The combatants in the big 
event were Marion Ferguson, local champion, and famous over 
South Georgia for his skill, and Cape Town Joe. a yankee nigger 
as we were told, from somewhere up north. There were several 
supplemental little bouts between brats, but everyone was get- 
ting impatient for the main event. Mitchell came to me to find 
out about the prohibitory ordinance on the subject of fights, 
wanting to know if it did or did not apply to niggers. I thought 
it did, and to the little ones, too, who had already fought. Mit- 
chell thought, "to be sure," I was mistaken. Ferguson came 
to me and wanted to know if the law held good in a case where 
a yankee nigger had come down here and said he could whip 
any nigger in Georgia, and that everything in New England was 
better than it was in Georgia. When I told him it did; he 
thought it a mighty funny law. He said if the Mayor could see 
Cape Town Joe, he knew it would be all right for him to whip 
him. The impropriety of having the fight in town, being settled, 
the crowd, white, black, and indifferent, repaired to the Boule- 
vard, where a ring was fitted up in the open air, buggy lines be- 
ing used for ropes. Cape Town Joe was making preparation by 
having his seconds rub him down and bind his wrists, and Fer- 
guson took two stiff drinks. Mitchell announced for the fight- 
ers to come forward. Ferguson appeared, but Joe's seconds an- 

27 



nounced that Joe would have to have a chair between rounds. 
Mitchell thought he was getting mighty particular, the crowd 
agreeing, but sent for the chair. When the chair came, the an- 
nouncement was again made, and Joe sent w^ord for Mitchell to 
show his second the Thirty-Five Dollar purse, which had been 
promised to the victor. Mitchell didn't have but twenty-eight, 
and Joe said he wouldn't fight. Mitchell said Joe was a dad- 
blasted suck egg hound, and with the whole crowd of negroes 
following, started toward him w^ith a tie rein to sw^ing him to a 
limb, they all being highly indignant that their white friends 
should be disappointed after so much annoyance. We then in- 
tervened and made up enough to bring the pot to the Thirty- 
Five Dollars. Joe came to the ring, and we thought the fight 
was to proceed, but he hesitated, asking who was the referee 
and was told Mitchell. He said he knew Mitchell to be a gen- 
tleman of the highest integrity, but if there was no objection, he 
would like to have a white man referee. 

Mitchell said Joe evidently didn't know where he was at, 
and at the next hesitation he would take a posse and drown him 
in the creek. Fred Dismukes made Bob hush, and offered to 
keep time, suggesting that Reese be referee. Joe was now sati -- 
fied as white men would officiate at the ring, and so put on the 
gloves. In the meantime, Fergerson took two more drinks. 
The pugilists were in their chairs. Fergerson looked like a 
young giant, weighing some two hundred and fifty pounds, all 
muscle. Joe weighed about one hundred and fifty but looked 
active. All the negroes, except two or three, were betting on 
the local champion. At this juncture, Joe jumped up as if he 
had forgotten something, and asked who was holding the 
money. Mitchell said he was, and that furthermore; he was go- 
ing to kill the black scoundrel after the fight, if Fergerson had 
not already done so, that consideration for his white friends was 
all that kept him from doing it then. Dismuke made Bob give 
him the money, and time was called. 

The combatants went through the first round without any 

28 



serious exchanges. Time was called, and Joe took his seat. 
Marion stood up talking. He said he hadn't gotten ready to 
get in a good lick yet, he didn't want to end the fun too quick- 
The second and third rounds were w^ithout events, except a few 
lefts on Marion's cheek and jaw. At the beginning of the 
fourth, the local champion said he was going to put it to him 
this time, and rushed at his opponent. Joe sidestepped, and 
landed a right on Marion's nose, sending blood in every direct- 
ion. Marion cursed Joe, and started for him again. This 
time he got one on the jaw, which sent him to his knees. He 
promptly arose, rushed and clinched Joe, who gave a yell like 
a Comanche Indian. Everybody rushed to the side of the ring, 
and the referee was assisted in parting the combatants. Joe ask- 
ed for a decision, on a foul, showing that he had not only been 
severely bitten, but had been squeezed pretty near to death. 
1 he foul was evident, but the crowd wasn't ready for the fight 
to stop, so Ferguson was warned, and they started on the next 
round, Ferguson swearing at Joe for hitting him in the nose, 
and then lying, claiming that he bit him. During this round 
Ferguson become pretty groggy, and Joe on account of his suc- 
cess, was getting a few friends among the negroes, who hadn't 
bet. In the next round Joe landed a right on Marion's jaw, 
and the latter was counted out. Joe went to his chair, was giv- 
en the money, and had a plenty of admirers around him. He 
now, for the first time became talkative, saying he could haye 
knocked Marion out the first round, if he had wanted to, and 
that he wasn't afraid of anybody; that the local negroes didn't 
know much anyway, and, that as for Ferguson, he didn't fight 
fair and was a low down dog. By this time Marion had recov- 
ered and overheard the latter remark. He ran across the ring, 
and before anybody noticed v/hat he w^as up to, had jerked Joe 
into the ring, and was sitting on his head, beating him on the 
back. It took about everything there to pull Ferguson off, and 
Dr. Ainsworth had to bring Joe too, again. Marion said he 
was going to kill Joe the next day, but Joe was never seen in 

29 



Thomasville again. Ferguson now says the trouble was:- - He 
waited too long to knock Joe out 



* « * 4> « • 



Parson Persons was a country divine of the Methodist per- 
suasion. He fought all sorts of iniquity, especially those who 
were guilty of "singing a reel," or absenting themselves from 
church. His good w^ife was equally pious, and w^as as disting- 
uished for devotion to her husband as for her piety. It was the 
Quarterly Meeting Sunday, and Rev. and Mrs. Persons were 
preparing for church. 

"Sail-Ann, git my buckskin watch chain. Where is my 
new celluloid collar? Git that pair of suspenders the Sunday 
school give me Christmas. Whar's the coat the Lovers of the 
Lord gave me on my birthday? Can't you git some of the mud 
off them new boots the convention give me last meetin'? I do 
know we aint a goin' to be ready in time;** could be heard all 
over the house. 

Mrs. Persons at last got her Reverend Lord in shape: — 
"Spick and Span, with his bible in his hand." Mr. Persons 
took a seat on the front porch, and began reading the bible, 
then he lighted his pipe, then removed his chair to the other 
end of the porch, then he said: — 

"Sail-Ann, aint you never gwine to git ready?" 

"Catch the horse dear, and 1*11 be ready by that time, came 
the response. As the horse w^as already caught, the parson 
drove him round to the front gate, and yelled: — 

"Sail-Ann, I do believe you'd keep the whole plan of salva- 
tion waitin* on them frills and furbelows of yourn." 

Mrs. Person was still busy tripping around the room, about 
to complete her toilet, when this came from her Lord: — 

"There now, Sail-Ann, I have done gone and spit on the bos- 
om of my bile shirt, a watin* fer you. I do declare you wim- 
men will drive a man to distraction." 

30 



"Come here, dear," was the reply from within. The parson 
reluctantly and sullently obeyed. "You are all right now, take 
that bucket of slops on the back steps to the calf, and I'll be in 
the buggy when you get back;" (patting him on the cheek until 
he had smiled.) 

The calf evidently hadn't been fed lately, or else it was a 
very greedy calf, without any table manners at all, for when 
the parson set the bucket in the lot, the calf ran up and pushed 
his head a way down in the bucket, tried to drink and breathe 
at the same time, and so got strangled, pulled his head out, and 
holding it up right in front of the parson's bent over figure, 
gave a sneeze such as only a calf with nostrils full of chicken 
gravy, beef marrow, pot licker and meal brand, could. The 
parson was now a ruined citizen, outwardly, and dejected, but 
wrought up, inwardly. His biled shirt and broadcloth coat were 
the personification of disorder and discord, and he was as inhar- 
monious spiritually and mentally as he was physically. He rea- 
ched down and got the calf by each ear, and soused his head 
down into the slop bucket, saying: — 

"Take that, durn ye, take that, if it wasn't for the Grace of 
God in my heart, I'd drown ye, dern ye.'. 

The parson went into the house and blamed his wife for it 
all, said the Catholics were right:- Preachers didnt have a bit of 
bussness gittin' married." 

I never did find out whether or not they got to church. 



« « « <t « « 



Back in the Populist times a good many rather shady tricka 
were played to influence the colored vote. Mr. X. was a demo- 
cratic orator, sent to a certain district where negro croppers 
were in the vast majority. He had about finished his address 
to the colored vote, and was inviting questions, when an old 
colored man arose, and put this to him: — 

"Mr. X., what fer do they call deae Populites, third party? 

31 



I hear *em say, third party, and I wants ter know what fer dey 
use dat name?" 

"Oh, I'm so glad you asked that, I was about to forget to 
explain it. By the way, Uncle Mose, w^ho do you work with, 
and on what terms?" 

"I works fer Mr. Smith, on halves." 

"All you nigger croppers hold up your hands, (hands go up) 
How do you work?" 

"Us all works on halves." 

"Now, that's just it. It has been customary in many neigh- 
borhoods to work croppers on halves. The democrats all prac- 
tice it, but these Populists come along and say half is too much 
for the nigger to get, and they are in favor of only giving him a 
third, whereupon, fair minded and righteous men have dubbed 
them third party, and the circumstances were so well known, 
that the name stuck, and they are know^n all up and down this 
broad land of ours as "Third Party." 

"Dat's so, Dat's so," murmered the audience assuring the 
orator that they would stick by his party, no matter how the 
Populists tried to explain out of their villianous intentions. 

Mr. Abraham was a prosperous Thomasville merchant. One 
day old man Taylor sent his son to get a thousand pounds of 
bacon, for which he had previously arranged with Abraham. 
The meat was piled upon the scales until it nearly reached the 
ceiling, then the merchant said to Bill: — 

"Jump up dere and hold dat meat down for your daddy." 
Bill jumped up and held the meat on the scales, and was 
sold to the old man at ten cents a pound. 



Abraham once told a farmer that he would give him a huge 
iron pot, which he had been admiring, if he would buy it full of 
sugar. The farmer agreed, and the two pvit the pot on the 

32 



scales, filled it full of sugar, and weighed the whole business. 
Abraham got sugar prices for the iron pot, which put him four 
dollars to the good. 



One day a b5'stander said to Abraham: — 
"Mr. Abraham, aint your son-in-law, Joseph, a pretty smart 
fellow.?" 

"Yes, Joseph is a smart boy." 

"A mighty good bo3^ aint he?" 

"Yes, he is a good bo5^" 

"Honest, too, aint he, Mr. Abraham?" 

"Yes, too damn honest, thinks it's smart." 

Mr. Mitch Jones bought a bull yearhng from Mr. R. E. 
Lester. He was the prettiest, slickest, best formed calf that 
you ever saw, in fact, the very embodiment of ideal bullhood, 
so thought Mr. Jones. About the same time Dennis Peak had 
been given a calf of the masculine variety by Mrs. J. Wyman 
Jones, (no relation to Mitch.) Peak's calf grew, and the same 
phenomenon was characteristic of the Jones' calf. So far as the 
record goes, the two yearlings w^ere never seen together. Just 
at the time when Mr. Jones' bull was approaching maturity, and 
when it stood highest in its owners estimation, Dennis was look- 
ing for "apple of his eye," and came across the Jones' posess- 
ion, and, deciding that the animal was his own, and that it had 
forever given up all propensity of domestication, slaughtered 
the unsuspecting bovine and sold the carcass to the butcher- 
This tragedy was quite a misfortune to Mr. Jones, and an anni- 
hilating calamity to the bull. 

Mr. Jones employed his nephews, Walter Hammond and 
Me, to bring civil and criminal action against Dennis, whom, he 
claimed, had committed premeditated, felonious and disastrous 

33 



cowcide or bullcide, as the case might be, he didn't know much 
about legal terms. The grand jury met and indicted Dennis- 
Walter and 1 met and brought suit in the Thomas County Court 
for forty dollars, the alleged value of the bull. Dennis employ- 
ed J. Hansel! Merrill to represent him. The case came up in 
its regular order, and Merrill had a Plea in Abatement, setting 
up that no civil action could proceed until the criminal action 
had been disposed of. 

Now, I had been at the Bar only a few months, and Walter 
not very much longer. We had both read and studied about 
Pleas in Abatement, but always on a theoretical basis, this live 
and living one threw us off our feet. It was like meeting a pan- 
ther, when you were expecting a house cat. 

Merrill finished reading the plea, and the Court asked what 
the plaintiff had to say. 1 crouched down in my chair, and 
looked as small as 1 could, waiting for Walter to answer. There 
was no answer. 1 hadn't gotten sure enough nervous until 
now, for Walter had assured me that "we had a good case," 
and so I thought Mr. Merrill was only fooling, and that Walter 
would wipe the floor up with him in a minute. The court 
then said: — 

'Mr. Maclntyre, what says the plaintiff?" 

I looked around and Walter v/as gone, for what, I didn't 
know, but 1 had a premedi»^ation that it was for help, and hoped 
that he would find it. It was now up to me to keep our case in 
court until the help arrived. I asked for defendant's authorities, 
and he handed me the fourth and seventh volumes of Georgia 
Reports, where the doctrine seemed to be laid down, but I no- 
ticed that in both cases the subject of the larceny was a slave, 
not a cow. 1 then read the court the head notes to the decisions, 
and took the position that they couldn't possibly apply to a mis- 
demeanor. But the Court said cow stealing was a felony. I 
agreed that it was now, but that at the time of the decisions we 
were living under the common law, and that the offense was 
only a misdemeanor, under the old English, system. I didn't 

34 



know anything more about what I was talking than did Mr. 
Merrill and the Court, but I wanted the other side to do some 
explaining. 1 had about explained out. The Court asked Mr. 
Merrill w^hat he had to say about cow stealing being a misde- 
meanor, at common law. Mr. Merrill said he had sent the 
sheriff after Blackstone and Kent's Commentaries, and would 
elucidate the matter in a minute. I had accomplished my pur- 
pose. Walter surely was on his way by this time. 

Mr. Merrill picked up his text books, but couldn't find the 
classification of cow stealing so undertook to explain his point 
by analogy. He read about Mayhem being a felony, and feloni- 
ous assaults being in the same class, and so on. My client came 
over and whispered in my ear: — 

"What in the hell has a man biting another's ear off in Eng- 
land in the fourteenth century got to do with a negro stealing 
my bull in Georgia in the twentieth century?" 

1 told him if he didni sit down the Court would fine him, 
and he said: — 

"Damn the courts, and the lawyers too, there is mors ras- 
cality done inside the courts, than outside." 

While I was engaged in shifting the burden of explaining 
from myself to the defendant, Walter had sought refuge in the 
wisdom of his father. Honorable W. M. Hammond. 

"Look here. Papa," said he, "Irwin is in a little trouble up 
at the Court House, and I want you to tell me how to help him 
out. He then explained the trouble to his father. The point 
being elucidated, he returned to the Court House just as I was 
on my last legs. We then explained to the Court that the law 
had been to prevent a civil settlement in cases involving the per- 
son of slaves until the rights of society had been vindicated by 
the Courts. 

The Court ordered us to proceed with the case. Mr Merrill 
called his witnessess, and found that his star witness, Tom Jordan 
was absent and so moved for a continuation until next term- 
While the matter was being discussed, Tom came. It was now 

35 



nearly night, and Mr. Merrill had woiTied himself into a severe 
headache, and so informed the Court. The Court continued the 
case until next term, much to the disgust of our client, who had 
lost a whole day with his hands from his crop, a loss of about as 
much consequence as the bull. 

At the next term of Court we got a verdict for twenty dollars 
and sent Mr. Jones into a fit of all-overs by telling him we had 
appealed the case, and expected a new trial. Dennis was ac- 
quitted of the charge of larceny, as his intentions seemed to be 
good even if he had made a serious mistake. 

1 forgot to say that when Mr. Jones was given the money, 
he said: 

"If anybody ever steals anything from me again, if the thief 
doesn't tell it, I'll swear I never w^ill?" 



Honorable W. A. Covington was appealing to the "Woolhat 
boys" to rise in their might with their votes and crush the infa- 
mous Plutocrats, who were sucking the life blood of the nation. 
He had paid especial attention to Harriman. An inquisitive 
farmer arose, and addressing the speaker, inquired: — 
"Ain't that Mr. Harriman a mighty rich man?" 
"Rich man, rich man," repeated the orator, almost too dis- 
gusted to answer. "Why, King Solomon in all his glory, with 
his eight hundred je^vel wearing wives, and his palace ornamen- 
ted with precious stones to such an extent that extra supports 
were required to hold it up, and his thousands of slaves, decked 
in oriential finery, and his cities and his kingdom, astonishing 
ancient civilization with their grandeur and magnificence. King 
Solomon, I say, in all his splendor, was nothing but a half crop- 
per compared to this man, Harriman." 



Honorable Joseph M. Brown was a candidate for Governor 
against Hoke Smith. Covington was for Smith. He was dis- 
cussing Brown's prohibition cards, of which there were several; 

36 



the original and three supplements, called by Covington; — Or- 
iginal, Explanation, Explanation of the Explanation, and Ejc- 
planation of the Explanation of the Explanation. 

"Fellow citizens," said Covington, addressing his audience; 
"These Joe Brown cards remind me of the landman's descrip- 
tion of the shipwreck at sea: — 

"She heaved and she sot, and sot and heaved, 

And high her banners flung; 

And every time she heaved and sot, 

A deeper leak she sprung." 



Covington had brought suit for certain damage done to a 
client's foot by the railroad. He came pretty near going out of 
Court on demurrer, and had only gotten to the jury by the 
"skin of his teeth." Two of opposing Counsel had spoken, one 
of whom was a very refined gentleman of a neighboring town, 
a man who was especially particular about his dress, w^ho wore 
immaculate white suits in summer, white from shoes to hat, who 
would feel disgraced for life if he was seen in pubHc with a hair 
on the wrong side, or a fly speck on the bosom of his biled 
shirt. 

Covington addressed the jury as follow.s: — 

"Gentlemen of the jury, for one moment you are the peers 
of anybody, even the railroads. Now, the enemy say we aint 
got no case, but aint they actin* funny for folks who think we 
aint got no case? If we aint got no case, why do they send 
down here to Waycross, and get Judge S., the scholar of the 
Waycross bar, and Judge W., known all over Georgia as a rail- 
road lawyer, and, why, not to be outdone, do they send down 
here to Thomasville, and get that glass of fashion and mould of 
form, X. Y. Z.? Why, Gentlemen, if we had known how many 
bones we had smashed, which we didn't know until X. Y. Z- 
named 'em all, in the foot, we'd have sued for one hundred 
thousand dollars. We just sued for $3,000.00 for one foot, but 

37 



we didn't know how complicated a foot was. We knowed that 
a cracker had two feet, and that a foot had five toes, some of 
them Httler than others, beginning with the big toe and gittin' 
littler toward the little toe. We knowed that he could crack 
hickory nuts with the bare heel of that foot, and that when a 
barefooted cracker came along, all the ants in the neighborhood 
sounded the fire alarm as a warning that every part of them feet 
touched the ground, and that if an ant ever got thereunder, lie 
was sure to be crushed to death. I say, gentlemen of the jury, 
we knew all of these things, but we didn't know our client car- 
ried around such a menagerie of bones in his old socks. We 
surely ought to have sued for more. Why, gentlemen, imagine 
a man gittin' his e pluribus unum mashed, and his sic semper 
tyranis fractured like that." 

1 he jury brought in a verdict for the plaintiff. 



If the people of this county should vote as to who was their 
most honest citizen, Mr, Joseph Uhlm would get as many votes 
as anybody. Mr. Uhlm came to this country from Germany in 
1858, and had the unique distinction of belonging to both the 
Yankee army and the Ku-Klux-Klan. No one around here 
ever suspected Uncle Joe of having been in the Federal Army 
until through force of necessity he applied for and got a civil 
war pension. Uncle Joe, after the war, became so thoroughly 
acclimated that he didn't seem proud of his war record, or, at 
least, when he got his pension, he gave the following explana- 
tion of how he happened to serve: — 

"You know it happened dis vay. I not vant to fight in de 
civil var or de uncivil var, nor no other var. 1 vus not vant to 
fight at all, I vusn't mad. I vus leave de old country ter git 
out de military duty. But ven I comes ter dis country, I goes 
ter Baltimore, I meets friends and dey says: — 

"Joe, you vas ought to belong to our military company," 
but I says, "Not fer me, dats vy I leaves de old country, 'cause 
I don't vant ter fight some." "Oh," but dey says, "Hit aint 

38 



fight, hit's just eat oysters and drink beer, drink beer and eat 
oysters, yer know." But I says: — "Not fer Joe, 1 don't like 
dem blue suits and buttons." But dey keeps on sayin' bout 
eatin' dem oysters and drinkin' dat beer, yer know, and no fight, 
yer know. And I thinks a heap about eatin' dem oysters and 
drinkin' dat beer, yer know. And every time dey meets, dey 
tells me 'bout eatin' dem oysters, yer know, and drinkin' dat 
beer, and so yer know, I thinks so much 'bout eatin' dem oys- 
ters and drinkin' dat beer, yer know, dat I says:— if you are 
sure it's no fight, just to eat dem oysters and drink dat beer' yer 
know. I says I vouldn't care if 1 vus belong, aldough, I says, 
yer know^, I don't like dem suits and buttons, yer know, just 
wants ter eat dem oysters and drink dat beer, yer know. So 
dey says:--- 

"Joe you vus elected, and I vus have a big time, eatin' dem 
oysters and drinkin' dat beer, yer know, and no fight yer know. 
And way after while, yer know, dem fellers vhat vears dem 
broadcloth and silk suspenders, yer know, vas decided dat dose 
vhat vear overalls and leather britches, yei know, must have big 
w^ar, yer know^, but dey says it vus be a little bit of a war, yer 
know. But I says: — 

"I don't vant to fight, even in no little bit of a war, yer 
know, I vusan't mad, and I don't see vy, yer know, a cab dri- 
ver, yer know, in New York, yer know, must shoot a cracker 
in Gergia, yer know. But dey says, yer know, dat ve must 
preserve de union, yer know." 

"Veil, it seems ter me dat it vus a dam poor vay ter preserve 
de people, yer know, ter put one half ter shootin* de other half, 
yer know. And all de time, yer know, I vus just join dat mili- 
tary company ter eat dem oysters and drink dat beer, ver know 
So 1 says: — 

"Joe vus not go to fight in no little bit of a var, don't care 
if only one man gits killed, 'cause dat one man might be Joe, 
yer know. But de boys say, dey von't need us ter fight, ve vus 

39 



just organized ter eat dem oysters and drink dat beer, yer know. 
But dey says: — 

'Ve must volunteer ter show ve vus love de country, and 
dat ve vusn't scared, yer know, and dat de President he vill re- 
ply dat he von't need us, and ve vill keep on eatin* dem oysters 
an drinkin dat beer, yer know. So ve does, all de time 1 don't 
like dis here broadening of de intent of de organization. And 
de captain he vus get reply. "You vus accepted. — President 
Lincoln." and I vus sa)', "Ve vus play hell." But de boys say, 
"No, hit vill be all right, those vill not go vut don't van't to, 
and those vut do, vill be back in three veeks." So ve meets, 
and I says ter myself; — 

"I vus go to be one vut falls out, ven de time comes. But 
de captain he dont say: "All desire to fall out," he says: "All 
soldiers stay in, all dam cowards fall out." 

"Veil, 1 vasn't no dam coward, yer know. I rather be gone 
three months den ter be no dam coward, yer know, even if I 
loses my job wid old Jacobs. ' So all of us ve stay in, and ve 
vus go ter de front, and ve vus fight like hell, yer know. AnW 
I vus say to myself: — Joe, you vus play hell 'scapin' military 
duty." 

Veil, 1 didn't git killed, and after de war 1 vus stay down 
here, yer know, and dat vus all. I vus just join, yer know, ter 
eat dem oysters and drink dat beer yer know." 

Mr. J. Monroe Lee was once postmaster at Thomasville. 
One season he contracted to sell fertilizers for one of the big 
concerns. He w^rote to the house and asked if they expected 
him to sell only to w^hite men, or to both colored and w^hite. 
He was told that the color line was not drawn by his employer, 
and to sell on the same security to white, black and indifferent. 
Mr. Lee sold a good deal of fertilizer. 

When fall came, collections were slow, and after consider- 
able correspondence the house sent down an agent to help col- 
lect the notes. The Yankee came to Thomasville, and after 
talking over matters with Mr. Lee, said: — 

40 



"Mr. Lee, I propose to draw a note out of that pigeon hole, 
and no matter which one it is, and who it is against, we will go 
out and see the gentleman, and I'll bet you I collect some 
money." 

"All right," said the local salesman. The next day they 
went down to Capt. Whitaker's "Kentucky Stables," and got a 
team, which afterwards, cost the house ten dollars. They looked 
at the note, drawn at random from the bunch, and saw it was 
against Juniper Lewis. 

"Where does this gentlemen reside?" inquired the Yankee. 

"On the spring Hill Plantation, ten miles from town," an- 
sw^ered Mr. Lee. They drove out. When in the vicinity of 
their destination, the Northerner inquired of a passing negro: — 

"Do you know Mr. Juniper Lewis?" 

"No, Sir." 

"Does he live about here?" 

"Nar, Sir, no sich man as dat live in dis bailiwick." 

They met another field hand, and the same conversation 
took place between the special agent and the local negro. They 
met a third, who said positively that: — 

"No sich man live on de old Irwin place, what's called de 
Spring Hill Plantation.'' 

Mr. Lee had been quiet as long as he could, so he spoke 
up, saying: — 

"Look here. Buck, do you mean to tell this gentlemen that 
you don't know this confounded, black, knock-kneed, crosseyed 
June Lewis?" 

The negro looked like he had just seen a light, and sur- 
prised, answered: — 

"Lord, Lord, Boss, course I does, I jest now understand 
who you all talkin* about, course I knows Old June Lewis. 
Didn't 1 many one of his gals up dere before Squire Bibbs?" 

"Where does he live?" . 

"Why he live in de ten acre cut on de Spring Hill Place." 

41 



The Yankee squirmed about in his seat, and asked: — 

"My friend, has this man, whom you say is your father-in- 
law, any realty?" 

"No Sar, Boss, fore God he aint, he aint got nuffin like 
dat." 

"Has he any personality?" 

"No Sar, Boss, so help me God, Old June aint got none er 
dem, aint nothin* ail him 'cept a great big wart on de back er 
his neck, and dats all he got." 

Observing that all Mr. Juniper had with which to pay a fer- 
tilizer note was a wart on the back of his neck, our northern 
friend drove back to Thomasville, and instructing Mr. Lee to 
use his own best judgement in the future in the collection for, 
and sale of fertilizer, left for home. 



One of the most interesting relics of ante-bellum days used 
to live in the southern part of Thomas County. He had been 
a slave of an indulgent master, whose slaves. Uncle Mose boast- 
ed, w^ere innumerable. 

1 was talking to the old man one day while he dug a well. 
"Aint you getting that well pretty crooked?" said I. "Well, sir," 
said Uncle Mose, "Time I git done, hit will average a straight." 

One of my Northern friends, by way of conversation, 
said,-- "Uncle Mose I suppose you vote?" "Oh, yes, sir— 'deed 
I does." "Do the white people object to your voting?" "Deed 
day don't~dey pays us to vote." "I suppose. Uncle Mose, you 
have a lot of influence about election time." "Well, sir, I used 
to have; I used to be de bigges* nigger in the hole settlement, 
Man, I is been to de conventions; I tell you I is sho' had some 
good times at de conventions. I is sot right dow^n and et and 
drunk wid white folks. Dey w^asn't nothing but publicans, its 
true, but dey was white, jest as white as you is." "Well, Uncle 
Mose, we will leave you." "Well, gentlemens, don't hurry; dis 
w^ell am a case of pushancy, but I can work and talk both." 

42 



"Uncle Mose," said I, "Before we leave, tell my friend if you 
could run when you w^ere young." "Yes, sir, don't spit in my 
good eye, the: Yes, sirree, I could out run every niggei in de 
quarter, 'cept one. and it w^as no disgrace to be beat by him 
'cause he could sker up a drove er patridges, and ketch two 
'fore dey lit." 

"Uncle Mose," said I, "Could 5'ou get me a grave yard rabbit 
at eleven o'clock at night, on the full of the moon?" Uncle Mose 
stopped digging. "Look 'er here, white man, 1 knows you want 
his lef hin' foot for good luck, and to be sho' it would be good 
luck, but I wouldn't go dere at night if I had a gun wid one er 
dem expectorators on it, — what about dem ghosts" Why, Uncle 
Mose, ghosts wouldn't hurt you." "No sir, I knows dey wouldn't, 
but dey might make me hurt myself." 

"Uncle Mose," said I, "Talking about rabbits, what will make 
a puppy bark on the trail?" "Go 'way white man, you knows 
dat de thing to do in a case like dat, is to feed de puppy out n a 
tub-- jes' same as you gives 'um gun powder, if you wants to 
make 'um bite; dat is to make 'um a good yard dorg.' 

"Uncle Mose," spoke up my guest, "Have you any object- 
ions to any of your white neighbors?" "Well sir, no more than 
I is to all white foks, and dat aint much; I'll tell you what I got 
again white foks. You know, white foks is de most peculiarist 
I knows of. Dey will gie you money and always gie you vituals, 
even v/hen dey cuss you while dey do it: dey loan you money 
on Monday ter pay back Satterday, and long as yer pays de 20% 
intrus', dey don't bother yer 'bout de principal. But dey make 
me mad, and I tell *em so, 'bout not havin' no confidence in no 
nigger. Why, Boss, if dey was a house burnt, or a man found, 
dead, de white foks would gather round, and you'd hear 'em 
say — 'A nigger done it, 'cause a nigger w^ill sho' burn a house, 
a nigger will show rob ye, and kill ye; a nigger can't be counted 
on.' Yes sir, scusin* my own white foks, dey wrouldn't make no 
diffunce twixt me, and old Lige Brown; while everybody would 
laugh if niggers was to say, 'A white man'U do dis and do dat,' 

43 



and do de oder.' "But what about Lige Brown, that you dont 
want to be classed with him?" "Well, sir, don't you know I-ige? 
Lige is de onerest nigger ye ever saw. He wont wurk and he 
aint no count. You know how he done Mrs. Wynn?" "How 
did he do Mrs. Wynn?" "Well, sir, Mrs. Wynn was er Yankee 
woman what wanted ter do sum'in fer de cuilud foks. She saw 
Lige drivin' er dem little ol' blind mules what come mighty nigh 
gittin' him persecuted for cruelty to ani-mules, so Mrs. Wynn, 
she bought Lige a par' of big, young mules, and had the little ol* 
po* sore back mules put out'n dere misery. De nex' time Lige 
come ter tow^n, he make it convenient to accidenly see Mrs. 
Wynn, who want ter know how he come on. Lige say he do 
mighty po'ly; dat de big mules was so strong and start off so 
quick, de3' keep his harness broke and threaten him wid dis- 
truction. Mrs. Wynn laughed and give Lige some new harness, 
den when Lige come to town again, Mrs. Wynn axed 'How'e 
he gittin' long?' Lige say he doin* mighty poly. He say his 
old waggin is weak, and ebery time he come to er bog, dem 
big mules pulls de couplin* pole into. De little mules would 
stall, but de big 'uns breaks de waggin, so de kin' lady gibs 
Lige er bran' new v/aggin, wid so much writin' on it dat his 
chillun is actually learnin' to read. De nex* time Mrs. Wynn 
sees Lige, she axed if all was well at last. Lige say all was sick; 
he say de big waggin wouldn't git under de little shed, so he 
had to leave it in the w^edder, and w^hen he carried de fambly 
to meetin* in de wet w^aggin bod5^ all of dem cotch col', so Mrs- 
Wynn sunt out de doctor en de carpenter to supply Lige wid 
his re-qui-ments, and when de fambly gits well, and de new 
shed gits built, Mrs. Wynn inquire of Lige*s prospec*s and Lige 
say he could segaciate alright, if it wasn't fer dem big mules, 
and de good w^oman axe, Fer de Law^d*s sake, what w^as de 
trubble now? Lige say dat de little mules rieber eat much, and 
he had er plenty er corn to do de team and de fambly, but de 
big mules is possessed uv er outrageous appetite, and dun 
cleaned out his crib. Mrs. Wynn mos' fall ober wid exaspera- 
tion and she scolded Lige and give him a order ier corn and 

44 



hay, so Lige goes home and dat night one er de mules got out 
and killed de calf, and Lige was mighty so' at Mrs. Wynn 'bout 
de transaction, so he goes back ter town to fin' Mrs. Wynn 
'Not in.* While he is waitin' fer de lady, Gunboat set him up 
to A. K. Dat's what white folks call alkahol, and on de way 
home, de mules run away wid Gunboat and Lige and broke 
Lige's leg. Mrs. Wynn heard 'bout it, and sunt out de doctor, 
and sunt Lige wurd dat if he didn't quit drinkin* she was gwine 
ter make his wife quit him, and Lige sunt wurd back dat if she 
"wud carry out her pu'pose, he wud be willin' to give her de 
mules back, so after while Lige got well, but say his leg hurt too 
bad fer him to wurk, and when Fall come, de mules was tuk 
under er mortgage and Lige had ter move fer not payin' de rent. 

"Uncle Mose," said I, "Have you any hogs to kill?" "Yes, 
sir," said he, "I's only waitin* on de moon. Ye know if ye kills 
on de full er de moon, de meat will hoi' its own, but if ye kills 
on de decreas' er de moon, de meat will shrink, jes' as ye have 
to plant on de increas* er de moon ter git de perduction. Be- 
sides dat, I's got plenty er corn to carry dem." 

"Ye see I got de mammy uv er big famly to drap my corn, 
and dat makes de yield.'* 

"Uncle Mose." said 1, "Does your preacher teach you all of 
your superstition?" "I don't know nuthin' 'bout dat, but I don t 
depend on de judgement er de preachers. I believes if de peo- 
ple would quit payin* dem, de Lawd would quit callin' de most 
er dem. i got my own notion *bout creation any how. 1 done 
sperienced nuf to make up my mind." "Well what is your no- 
tion of creation?" "Well, sir, it was dis way, de Lawd make de 
wur'd an' de seas an' de animuies jes' like de preacher say, but 
atter he git dem made, he make him fo' races er folks, and he 
sunt fer *em to come up and *port to him, and he say, "Boys, I 
done made ye. now what mus' I do wid ye?** and Mr. White 
Man was de fust one up. and he tells de Lawd he want good 
health, long life, plenty of money and no wurk, and de Lawd 
say, 'Alright, you can hab *em,* and turn and axe Mr. Chinee 

45 



what he want? Mr. Chinee say *He want washee an' ironee, 
tend to his own business, bother nobody and hab nobody both- 
er him.' De Lawd tell him alright, and den turn and eixe Mr. 
Injun w^hat he want? Mr. Injun say he w^ant plenty bows and 
arrars, game ter shoot, squaws ter wurk and nothin* ter do, and 
de Lawd say; Alright, ye can hab em, and den he turn ter Mr. 
Nigger, who am always late, and he axe Mr. Nigger what he 
want, and Mr. Nigger he answer, Nuthin, Lawd, I jes' come 
'long wid dese other boys. And de Lawd say, "All you'll go 
back down and follow my instructions." 



My friend John and I went out to see a game of base-ball 
betw^een two teams representing the colored inhabitants of 
neighboring plantations. 

After considerable argument an umpire w^as selected and 
the Blacks were called to the bat, the Tans taking their places 
in the field. There w^as much contention in the first inning as 
to whether the players would be restricted to store-bought bats, 
also as to whether a batter could knock more than a home run: 
i. e., whether having circled the plates once, the runner could 
continue, thus making more than one run at one time at bat 

The umpire admitted — "Any bat from a waggin-pole to a 
walkin'-stick." — Ruled that a runner could keep scoring until 
the ball was found, but admonished both teams that they could 
have only nine men on a side. 

There came pretty near being serious trouble in the fourth 
inning when a fielder caught a fly which had bounced from a 
pine. Two rule books, bats, razors, etc., were in evidence and 
contributed their influence to the decision. 

The Blacks w^ere eleven runs at the close of the first half of 
the ninth inning, and the Tans only four. Cock-eyed Jim, the 
star right fielder for the 1 ans, came to the bat with a home 
made hickory, curved to fit the delivery of the pitcher as w^ell 
as the vision of Jim. Well! to relieve the suspense; Jim got a 

46 



"HIT," and when the Blacks extracted the ball from a wood- 
pecker's nest, in center field, he had gone around EIGHT times, 
winning the game. 

On our return to town, our car stopped and we could not 
make it go on high. Then it got to where it wouldn't run on 
intermediate. I lifted the hood and called my colored friend 
Jim King, who lived in sight; he came out and w^atched me 
tamper with the car, with much interest. Finally having decid- 
ed that the lubricating oil was out, I asked Jim if he had any 
machine oil. "No, sir, us aint got no machine yet." "Have you 
any fresh butter? " "No, sir, us aint got no cow^ yet." "Have 
you any fresh lard?" "No, sir, us aint had no lard since the 
preacher et wid us." "Well! can I borrow a mule and saddle 
to ride to Beachton?" "Please go get ole Gray and de saddle." 
As I mounted the mule, 1 asked — "Jim, aint there any grease in 
this community?" "No, sir, Mr. Mac. — I'll swear dey aint no 
grease 'round here 'cept some auter-mobile grease Mr. Thomp- 
son lef me." 



*•««*• 



Stubbs and I had both annouced for the legislature, trusting 
implicitly in the stupidity of the people. You know Carlyle 
gave the population of England as "25,000,000, mostly fools:" 
we hoped the rule would hold good in Thomas County. 

As there were several others in the race and only three to 
be elected, everybody had to do a little canvassing. I went out to 
Jim Murdock's and asked if I could talk a little to him. He said 
I could when he got through cutting wood. I took up another 
axe and proceeded to show him how. I says, "You haven t 
seen anything of Stubbs along here today, have you? Lord 
yes," said Jim, "He's back there milking my cow." 

Another time Stubbs and I met at Coolidge. Stubbs beat 
me talking, but as it was a warm day, I held my hat in my hand 
and got the reputation of being "A heap the perlitest." 

47 



Well, we were both elected, and when the time came start- 
ed for Atlanta. The ticket were $7.25, so we decided to ride all 
the way. When we got to Albany and were in the act of chang- 
ing cars someone uncoupled the air brake and the noise made 
Stubbs drop the package containing his other shirt. Stubbs 
•aid, "Here I am, fifty miles from home, and I be dog if some- 
body aint whistling at me!" We were sitting still, 1 was thinking 
and Stubbs re-arranging his prejudices when the porter asked if 
we wanted to take a sleeper, 1 said I couldn't sleep in the day 
time; Stubbs said neither could he, and besides he wanted to 
see the scenery. The newsbutch came along with some of 
Dickens* novels, but Stubbs said he didn't like Dickens, the 
print was too fine. 

The lady on the seat ahead asked Stubbs rather coquettish- 
ly if he knew any limericks. "Oh yes mam," said Stubbs, "I 
know Bill and John and old man Oscar was Pa's best friend." 

Stubbs warned the porter about putting any more coal in 
the stove as we were "already riding too fast." 

When we got nearly to Atlanta, Stubbs asked a drummer 
who ran the hotel up there. The drummer said "Mrs. Kimball." 
Stubbs said he believed he would rather stop at a boarding- 
house, because hotels have a horse rack in front of them and 
the stamping of the horses kept him awake. 

Well, we got to Atlanta and registered. The clerk asked if 
we wanted a room with a bath, but Stubbs said he wouldn't 
need one, as he bathed before he left home. The clerk gave 
us a room on the top floor and showed us the elevator. When 
we got out Stubbs said, "The durn thing just did stop in time as 
w^e would have been half way to Heaven in five minutes more." 

We went to bed and slept till next morning, when Stubbs 
said the people shore did stay up late. I asked him how he 
knew; he said the lights on the streets were still burning at mid- 
night. Stubbs also thought the people up there were mighty 
far behind with their hauling. 

48 



Stubbs dressed and asked me which way was the well. I 
told him to push the button twice and he would get ice water. 
He held the pitcher to the button and pushed, but couldn't get 
a drop. 

Stubbs turned his cuffs and we went down to breakfast: 
and the waiter asked if we wanted any breakfast food. Stubbs 
said he shore did: he hadn't had any supper, and he wanted 
fried ham, fried eggs, coffee, pan cakes, corn muffins and bis- 
cuit; if there was any extras, he'd take them too. 

We went over to the Capitol and started on our legislative 
career. I prepared a bill, "Making the rules of poker uniform 
throughout the state, and allowing a man to open a 'jack-pot 
on a pair of tens." This I thought necessary for the protection 
of innocent parties, but as Stubbs wouldn't join me, 1 didn t 
put it in. 

We had Lithia water to drink and electric fans to keep us 
cool. When the oratory would get so dense as to warm the 
water and clog the fans, then we'd go out into the smoking- 
room. Stubbs developed much eloquence. He never drank 
water while speaking as he said, "It didn't take water to run a 
wind mill." However an orator isn't much appreciated by • 
hall full of other orator. We joined the smoking club and had 
to pay a dollar. Then we would wait for other suckers to get 
other dollars! 

One fellow wanted to raise legislators' pay from $4.00 to 
$7.00 per diem but Stubbs objected. He said the people would 
soon send $7.00 men instead of $4.00 men. 

Stubbs made a great speech one day, had a lot to«ay about 
our fore-fathers and our historic inheritance. In fact he trod 
from cloud to cloud and jumped from star to star. When he 
had finished he smiled with pardonable pride while Uncle 
Billie Wilson of Gwinnett addressed the chaii. I thought Uncle 
Billie was going to propose a vote of thanks for such a treat of 
oratory,— so did Stubbs. But Uncle BilUe moved "that the 
Gentleman's apology be accepted." Stubbs was indignant and 

49 



told Uncle Billie that it was a shame to have fun poked at a 
man of such oratorical and literary powers. Uncle Billie said 
he was glad to know Stubbs was so literary as he looked like 
he "wouldn't know a fly spec from a punctuation mark." 

Well, we soon caught on and Stubbs is now a veteran in 
the art. He can go all over Atlanta by himself, day or night. 
He can order a meal at a restaurant without the bill-of-fare and 
knows all the drinks at the soda fountain. He knows all of the 
names of the players on the Atlanta base-ball team and can 
telephone to any number in the city. He is absolutely fortified 
against faces and fakirs, and can't be fooled with near-beer, 
near-soup and near-pot-licker. We are both experienced states- 
men now. 



50 



